I’ve been determined throughout my adult life to live so that I have no regrets. Of course I can’t do this perfectly, but I try. Still, there are times when I wonder ‘what if,’ not in regret but just for the sake of wondering. What if I HAD written a book and it had actually sold a lot of copies? What if Oprah wanted me on her show? What if I had a million dollars? What if I HAD chosen to pursue a counseling degree from Liberty? What if I started my own design company and did that on the side for a while, just to see how it would go?

Then there are other things I think about, like how I like craftsman homes and stacked stone and recessed lighting and little lights along my sidewalk, and yet I have none of these things and likely might not ever have them. [I've totally been watching too much HGTV, but bear with me.] There are so many things I’d like in my house that I don’t have. So many cars I like other than the one I drive. So many hairstyles and physiques.

Seems like I’ve been thinking of this a good bit lately, probably because I’ll be 45 in a few months, and that’s just feeling like an awfully big number, and it’s making me really ponder the state of my union. Also contributing to my philosophicality [new word I just made up tonight] is that a good friend’s husband died last weekend after giving cancer one heck of a good fight, and there’s nothing like a funeral to get you thinking about life.

Tonight I read these lyrics by Andrew Peterson, and it just joined right in with the little philosophical conundrum going on inside my head:

“A thing resounds when it rings true
Ringing all the bells inside of you
Like a golden sky on a summer eve
Your heart is tugging at your sleeve
And you cannot say why
There must be more”

Sometimes I wonder when I’m going to discover what I’m really good at. Meanwhile, my life is passing me by and I just get through the days making the best guesses I can. I started to wonder if maybe there’s too much going on for me to hear a true thing resound. Maybe I’m trying too hard, or not enough. Maybe I’ve got too much crap in my life for for me to even hear a clang, much less the truth resound.

My initial response was negative. But then as I was brushing my teeth—and for some reason I often get some pretty good insights then—I was lamenting the fact that there are just too many options. There’s too much I like and want to do/have/see/be. Then I realized that maybe it’s not that I’m trying too hard or not enough—it’s just that I want too much, and mostly in a good way. Sometimes I want too much technology, and that’s not always a good thing, but for the most part, I’m focused on quality of living, not quantity of things.

I like that about me. And I like it that, in this insight, I was kind to me. I’m not sure, but I think this might resound.